Perhaps I lost my motivation on writing.
I don't know when it started, perhaps when I'm afraid to write in sentences. Perhaps when lost my flow in between writing. Perhaps when I doubted about the whole thing with writing. Perhaps when my younger one is so dumb and stupid to make choice. Perhaps when I was so selfish on it. Perhaps... the list goes on.
Well, it's not like i'm not writing anymore these past year. I wrote several times, some of them i put it online too, i wrote fanfiction too (IN ENGLISH). But i realized it the one that i finished more is just a short one. Not like a series or novel format.
The fact is I just finished ONE novel format. In like how many years since my novel debut, the one and only my book. You can count it, it released on 2013 and now it's 2020. SEVEN FREAKING YEARS! ONLY ONE NOVEL FORMAT I WROTE IT FINISHED.
Perhaps it was a joy back then, I thought I need more time to write so I can release many novel.
I choosed time to write.
That perhaps went wrong from there, I think.
I struggle. Think too much. I don't know if I tell this to anyone or even rant online. But it was a hellish year(s) for me.
One night I cried. Not that really sobbingly thing cry, not the loud too, it just there, the tears. I just guess I miss how I write freely without much think. Not afraid of the future. Not doubting of my choice. Not thinking too much.
I tried. Again and again. Until I finished a novel format which somehow I think it's really bad. I wrote in such experimental. Different. I sent it to a publisher. They rejected it. Sent to other publisher and until now I didn't get respond from them. Another reject. Sent another one. Again, rejected. This when I thought, perhaps I'm not that talented, no one want to read it. Perhaps it's not my place, even I bet on it.
I lost on my bet I guess.
After I wrote so hard to that finished (novel format) work which took 2 years i guess, I'm in limbo state. I don't know what to do? I don't know my motivation on writing.
I started think, perhaps i should stop this. Give up on it.
But then, i asked myself, "am i really that dumb, huh?"
Then I try to go out of the box. I should try to write in ENGLISH. Oh hell, I'm even afraid to read "english fiction" before that. Then I should try to read english-fiction more, i found myself to fanfiction (again). I tried to write.
Not bad i guess. But like i don't know who read them, all of them like silent reader. Because i craved about them the most. I want to know, is my english good enough for writing? am i good enough to write or not? Till now i haven't get the answer.
When hit 2020, i think again. What if I give up? Since i have interest on painting even though i still think that painting is just kinda help me to heal? From those thoughts i thought too much. Like a therapy perhaps? Playing with paints, abstractly because i can't drawing. Perhaps i put my bet again on painting. Should I? But it's whole foreign for me, i take painting as a hobby, as a healing.
But should i?
I'm afraid. In some reasons on it.
Then again I don't know why i'm writing this. I'm floating on the vast of space.
